Sometimes you just need to get that glass of wine, play your depressing jams playlist on Spotify, and PURGE those feelings. So here we go- bear with me.
Self acceptance is a tricky thing. Does anyone ever really love themselves completely and accept who they are unapologetically? If so, that is truly amazing. I envy you. And I don't mean self acceptance and self love that borders on self obsession or arrogance. I mean, the kind where you are just happy with who you are and accept your flaws. I think about myself and try to identify...do you truly love who you are and accept your true self?
And this is where it gets tricky. I ask myself those questions and really, I can't say that I do. BUT, (the big but), I don't think it's because I PERSONALLY don't love who I am or accept myself...
I think it's because others don't.
Ugh. We've all been told "don't care what other people think." Blah, blah, blah- ok, but is that really realistic? I know some people are better at it than others, but I think we all have some semblance of awareness of what others think of us. And what if the "other people" are your family? Your friends? Clear as mud right?
Then, add in all those societal expectations and standards. Maybe someone is reading this and has no idea what I'm talking about and can't relate. More power to ya boo- keep doing you! But, I'm sure there are those of you who CAN relate.
So now to take it to a personal level. I'm proud of myself. I'm a veterinarian- something I worked hard to achieve. I'm in a happy, healthy relationship. I'm financially stable (with support from my parents which I will never discount). I think I'm a good person, I try to be. I attempt to be environmentally responsible. I'm spiritual and have my own relationship with God. I really strive to be good to other people and be self aware. I care about others' feelings and try to not be overtly selfish.
So why do I never really feel like I'm enough?
For me, I'd say it's a combination of feeling pressure from "society's standards" and family influence. I don't necessarily want to go into super detail because who needs all that...but at least know if you also have felt like you are not enough, you are not alone.
Personally, I have had trouble with being made to feel like my feelings aren't valid. I'm normally a lighthearted, "take nothing too seriously" type of person. But, that doesn't mean I don't have feelings. That I don't expect to be treated with love and care or at least with some semblance of respect.
I've had trouble with feeling like I am not accepted by my family. I am clearly living a lifestyle that is different and difficult for my primarily Christian based family to understand and accept. But, to feel like there are those who are ashamed of me or who think less of me BECAUSE of a lifestyle choice... it just makes unconditional love seem a little false. Being treated differently because I am different...I guess it makes sense. Doesn't make it hurt any less though.
But in all actuality, I've always felt like the "black sheep" of the family. Even before, I started dibble dabbling in girls (sorry haha had to). I consistently feel out of place and like I don't fit in with my sisters or family. And I know that my family has not deliberately attempted to make me feel this way, but regardless it's happened.
Yes, I drink. Yes, I have a relationship with a girl. Yes, I do not live the "accepted" life that my sisters live. But, I don't think that makes it okay for ANYONE to make me feel like less of a person. And I certainly don't think that paints the picture of love that Jesus wants us to portray.
If only those who judge and are unkind could understand the daily battle some of us have with ourselves. The battle that arises when you've been raised in a Christian household and have been told every Sunday by a preacher that you're going to hell if you're gay (btw, I don't believe this).
Overall, I have come to the conclusion that I need to be more vigilant about setting boundaries. This is important for my mental health and happiness. I have too often just kept silent or played happy or not taken up for myself "to keep the peace." I have tried to hard to fit in and make things work when I don't get that same benefit in return.
Anyway, a lot of rambling and just needed to get out a little that I've been struggling with lately. But, life is good in case you were wondering and I'm happy. NC life :) Stay happy all y'all beautiful people <3.
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